Neurotic Fishbowl: Thinking

 

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Thinking

I've been thinking about Steven and I and our relationship a lot over the last few days. I took a couple of days to really consider something that I had been asked, "Is it him you miss or the safety of the relationship?"

It is Steven I miss, not just the comfort of having someone. I miss how he laughs (he always said he had a stupid laugh, but I always found it endearing) and how when I would rub his shoulders he'd make these silly faces. I miss how he would balance the cat on one hand to make me laugh. I miss how we could talk poker strategy for hours. I miss him calling me musker and holding the side of my face so I could make shark biting motions at him. I miss how if he started drinking before me, I could make him blush by smelling his breath for alcohol. I miss how sensitive his ears are and being able to put him into a paroxysm of giggles by talking near them. I miss all this and more. I miss him.

I like how, while we have a lot in common, we have other interests outside of each other. He could watch golf for hours in the living room while I played on the computer. I would read while he watched tv. We don't agree on a lot of political issues (I'm liberal, he's conservative), but I always thought that the fact that we were different made us more balanced.

For a while I've been just kind of going along - stagnating. I operated under that assumption that almost everyone makes - there will always be more time. More time to fix what's wrong. More time to make sure that everything was okay. I knew he was frustrated by my slovenliness, but I thought I would have time to make it right. I feel ashamed when I think about how I shirked all my responsibilities and just let Steven take care of it all. I used to help out some around the house (taking out the garbage, doing some of the dishes, etc.), but I haven't done that in a long time. I don't know why I thought it was okay to take him for granted like that.

Not that I'm saying that our break up is my fault completely - we both share in the blame here. Steven thinks that coming right out and saying something along the lines of "This is what I need to change or I don't think we can make it" is an ultimatum and if you have to give an ultimatum, then you're just changing the person and you're better off just finding someone else. I think that's not saying how you really feel and if you don't say it, it can't be fixed, dooming the relationship to failure.

I think that over the last year or so we lost each other. I was battling issues at work and sinking into a depression. He was overwhelmed with the amount of business that his own company had. We settled into a rut. We began to drift apart and lost sight of what was really important - each other. It's amazing how a break-up can give you such clarity - how I can now see what's important.

If I had my heart of heart's desires, it would be that, after we take a little time off from one another, we could sit down in January, talk a bit (and I mean really talk, not just hint around) about what we both need, and give this another try. Go out to dinner or dancing and rediscover each other.

Maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't (though, of course, I hope it would), but I believe that six years worth of love and life together is far too precious to throw away without a second chance - a shot at redemption, if you will. No one is perfect, but when you love and, more importantly, like someone (Steven once told me that he liked me more than he thought he'd ever like a woman), that puts you ahead of the game. We all have problems and issues and having a foundation of love to try and repair them on is more than a lot of people can say. Love between two people - especially after the amount of time we've spent together - is very precious. It would be a sin to just let it die without trying to save it first.

I know that I had said that the worst part of our break-up was the slap in the face of taking my garage door openers and stuff like that, but after talking to Christine, I think what really is the worst part is that he gave up on not just me, but us. After six years, would a second chance be asking for too much?

I know that Steven said that "we've been working on this for years," but I haven't been, not really. I never realized how serious our problems were, something that I deeply regret now. I know that if we were to get back together without addressing these things, we would never be able to stay together. But, I think with a little work on both our parts, we could fix some of our problems and be happy together again.

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Comments

I admire your clarity during such a tough time for you. I hope things work out for the best. :)

.: D said on November 23, 2003 02:48 AM :: link it :.

sometimes it's the time that people need...
time to see what they miss
time to see that things can be changed
time to figure out how to say what they really mean
time to focus on what went well, what went wrong
time to regroup and approach eachother in love
time...

I'm still praying for you, and I hope everything works out for the greater good!

.: amancay said on November 23, 2003 05:10 AM :: link it :.

**hugs**

.: kat said on November 23, 2003 09:26 AM :: link it :.

Like I said the other day - your reaction to all of this is completely different then I would have expected. I'm proud of you and impressed by you in so many ways. It's like watching you grow in to a stronger person (even though I know you feel very weak) right before my eyes. I hope with all hope possible that he will give you guys another chance, and that in getting that chance you will both work towards a better future.

.: Christine said on November 23, 2003 01:24 PM :: link it :.

Clarity is right. Kymberlie, you really put things into perspective with this post. (You also put into words some things I have been thinking about as to my own life.) I hope Steven reads this. (I hope that's okay to say) It should make things clearer for him, too. There is hope. Good luck.

.: Marie said on November 23, 2003 01:41 PM :: link it :.

You have a great way with words, and a true clarity on the issue at hand. I hope all the best for you, and I hope that talk will happen after the holidays. I think it will be the best thing.

.: amber said on November 23, 2003 03:15 PM :: link it :.

I hope everything works out for the best. I am sorry to hear about everything going on. *hugs*

.: syd said on November 23, 2003 05:35 PM :: link it :.

I have to say that was mighty impressive and well thought and most of all FELT. People like you with that kind of love is one of a kind. I know with him sharing the time he did with you he knows this .. so some things slipped.

If he doesnt lay in bed at night and think about you to in the middle of the day unable to work cause he misses things about you then its his loss. My marriage has totally failed, I want things to work and what not but she doesnt care .. I made the mistake when i married her thinking things would get better .. just dont fall into this group i have to be with him, what you have with him is one of a kind, im sure he knows this .. im hoping its only his work and things and he doesnt want you to feel left alone while hes busy.

I hope he reads this to, and my words to him.

Steven, shes a wonderful woman. She feels and loves you like NO OTHER. You will never find that answer from someone else they will always be second best. As a male myself I know sometimes we need change but moving away from her isnt the answer, you will regret it. I only wish I could have found what you did with her.

.: Matt_31 said on November 23, 2003 11:35 PM :: link it :.

Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. I've been catching up on my blog reading, what a difference a week makes! So, so sorry. It's really sad to read that someone else is going through what I've been going through. Hopefully a little hiatus will help both of you. It does happen. Really sorry this happened right before the holidays. (EXACTLY, almost to the date, when it happened to me)
As sad and lonely as the road has been for me - thinking I'm the only one in the world who failed at a six year relationship - I've never wished my "situation" on anyone. So, so sorry.

Sad to say, the only solid advice I can give from my ever evolving experience is: Try to get beyond blame. Try to maintain your obvious clarity and focus. Try not to slip into too many "what if" sessions with yourself. Most importantly, don't lose site of yourself. Remember you are a creative, unique, worthy, viable human being. Remember you have an identity beyond being part of a couple. You may feel cut adrift without a compass, but you are still piloting an otherwise functioning boat. (I hate platitudes, but, that sums up how I've felt since my break-up.)

I hope with all my bloggy little heart this will sort itself out and in a short time you two will be talking and moving forward together.

.: Trillian said on November 24, 2003 11:23 AM :: link it :.

Been there, done that, two years ago January. I could have written your post, except we were married and had a small child.

If I may be so bold as to recommend Michele Weiner-Davis' books (and website: http://www.divorcebusting.com) I got SO much strength from the forums with people going through the same thing, and the thought that one person CAN turn breakups around, but it takes a LOT of time and a LOT of patience.

How do I know? On Halloween, my husband called me to tell me he'd made a huge mistake when he said he wanted out. So now we're in the rebuilding phase, but it *did* work for me. And if it hadn't? I'd still have grown and learned so much from following the process. You can email me offline if you want; I have no stake in any of the Divorce Busting stuff, other than it saving my sanity and my relationship.

Jody

.: Jody said on November 24, 2003 12:19 PM :: link it :.

Hi -- I found your site through nervousness.org. I was searching for Houstoners... there's a new Houston art/craft group, and so I just thought perhaps you would want to know about it.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stitchnbitch-houston/

Heather

p.s. my apologies for this random spam-like message...

.: yardenxanthe said on November 24, 2003 10:50 PM :: link it :.

Adding to the random spam-like comment, I've known you for over 3 years now... and the thought of you stitching? Or doing anything crafty? I'm cracking up. I can see you bleeding out thanks to a cross-stitch needle (I have a link to some lovely "Go Fuck Yourself" kits on my site!) or gluing your fingers together or something like that.

I am amused.

Meanwhile, back on topic - remember, blame is a two way street. Always.

.: Christine said on November 25, 2003 09:50 AM :: link it :.

I know it's going to hard but life will go on and maybe Steven will have second thoughts and decide it's time to really talk ... I'll be thinking about ya sis!

.: Oasis said on November 25, 2003 07:03 PM :: link it :.

Oh girl! I know how you feel! My wife dropped the bomb on me last April - didn't want to work on fixing the marraige, just wanted out. I can second your thoughts on the other person not just giving up on you, but on "us" - the 10 years we had together...

It has hurt like hell (and still does), but I am in a MUCH better place now than I was those 6 months ago...

Keep a positive outlook, and don't beat yourself up too much!!

.: don said on November 26, 2003 12:50 AM :: link it :.

many hugs to you. I know this is a difficult time but you are so strong and I admire that...

just letting you know someone out there is thinking of you:)

.: ericalynn said on November 26, 2003 08:12 PM :: link it :.

You're too early! Come back at November 23, 2003 02:10 AM to see this post.

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