Neurotic Fishbowl: The Loss of a Friend

 

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The Loss of a Friend

I've finally decided to blog about something that's been bothering me for some time. I'll probably get really sad and cry (not that you'll be able to tell since I don't have a webcam or anything), but I really want to get this off my chest.

In early January, Jeanna, my best friend of almost seven years, and I were supposed to go to the museum. Unfortunately, her mother got really sick and we weren't able to go. The last time I talked to her was a few days later. He mother was doing much better and we hung up with our customary love yous and the promise to see each other soon.

A few weeks went by and I hadn't heard from her despite leaving messages. Around the end of the month, I finally get her at home. She says she's on the other line, but she'll call me back soon. I ask her if she's mad at me for some reason and she pauses. She promises to e-mail me, but I still hear nothing from her.

A few more weeks of me leaving messages goes by and around the end of February I manage to get her on the phone again. This time when she says she'll call me back, I ask her if she really means that. She says she doesn't know. I ask her to at least tell me why she's mad at me and she says, "I'm sorry, I can't," and hangs up on me. I was on my way to meet a friend at the local country and western club. I proceed to get totally shitfaced and spend about two hours sobbing my heart out on her shoulder. I finally leave, though I'm not sure how I managed to make it home between the hysterics and the alcohol.

Since then, I've sent her a few e-mails and left a few more messages. They go unreturned and the one other time I managed to actually get her on the phone, she hung up on me again.

In my whole life, I'd never met anyone that I'd felt as close to as Jeanna. Losing her has probably been the hardest thing in my life - even harder than when Steven and I broke up. I always imagined that we'd be there for each other no matter what.

The worst part of it all is that I have absolutely no idea what happened. We were fine and then suddenly she couldn't even bring herself to talk to me. I hadn't seen her at all in between the last time we talked, so I'm at a loss to see what could have so radically changed.

I had hoped by giving her a little time that she'd be at least willing to talk to me, but that doesn't appear to be the case. I finally deleted her information out of my phone so I would quit calling her when I'd had too much to drink (I'm terrible about drunk dialing).

I've been thinking about her a lot this week since last weekend Mr. Air Force and I were talking about self-confidence, something I've always lacked. Losing Steven and then Jeanna really was a huge blow to my self-image this year. The two people who are supposed to love you the most - love you no matter what - left me and it really did knock me for a loop. It's especially bad because I don't know why she decided not to be my friend anymore. For quite some time I was convinced that I must be some kind of horrible person (thank you, Christine, for fielding my "Am I a bad person?" phone calls).

I know I act like a nervous dork around Mr. Air Force and while some of it is just adjusting to getting back into a relationship with someone new, I know a lot of it has to do with those losses, especially Jeanna's. Part of me always wondered if Steven would really be the one that I ended up with, but nothing in me ever doubted that Jeanna and I would be friends forever. I miss her and I always will. I wish she would at least take the time to tell me what happened.

I guess I'm a bit melancholy today and I still really miss Jeanna. For those of you wondering, I don't miss Steven anymore. It's kind of strange how completely over him I feel. I guess maybe time will give me the same perspective on Jeanna, but I don't think I really believe that. To be adandonded the way I was is going to puzzle me forever.

Deep down I know that I'm a wonderful person. I'm smart, funny, interesting, nice, kind, generous, and a bunch of other adjectives. I just wish I could believe in this more and try not and let her leaving bother me so much.

.: Posted April 14, 2004 07:06 PM in Fish Tales, ";print substr($entry_cats, 0, -2); ?> :.


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Comments

Hey hon - I'm with ya here. I was "dumped" by someone I had considered my best friend. We met as juniors in high school and she was one of only 2 bridesmaids at my wedding. Yeah - almost ten years of friendship and being there for her and all of sudden she thinks I was "against her like all the others". She has not contacted me in about 3 years and it was her lost. I thought back at what happened and my only explanation is that she sort of lost it mentally. The last few months of our frienship she had become quite paranoid and thought everyone around was conspiring against her. I hope she found some help or went into counseling and that she is OK, wherever she may be. And yes, it took me even longer to delete her information from my PDA. The pain will subside but the questions never do. {hug}

.: cybertoad said on April 14, 2004 07:15 PM :: link it :.

Kymberlie, I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry that you've lost your friend. It really, really hurts to lose a friend and it's even harder if it seems to be for no apparent reason. I hope that someday she'll give you some of the answers you're looking for.

.: Natalie said on April 14, 2004 07:58 PM :: link it :.

I am so sorry... I really hope you guys can find each other again!

.: Adelle said on April 14, 2004 08:58 PM :: link it :.

The breakup of a friendship can be almost, if not more, painful than a breakup with a lover. I know how horrible it feels, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, too. If you need to talk, please know that I'm here. *hug*

.: D said on April 14, 2004 10:00 PM :: link it :.

And gosh darnit... people like me. ;) (Sorry, just had to add on to the wonderful person sentence at the end!) I know one thing though - *I* like you. I would never up and dump you like that. Any time you need someone to field those phone calls, you just call me up! *mwah!*

"You may be my momma, but you're not my baby's daddy!"

.: Christine said on April 14, 2004 10:44 PM :: link it :.

"why" would be the question i'd keep asking myself if a friend dumped me. fortunately, as far as i know, i've never had anyone dump me as a friend, but i've done my fair share of dumping. there comes a time when enough is enough and you just have to draw the line. however, from what you've said, i don't know how anything like that could've happened between the two of you since you hardly saw each other... but even then, there is no excuse.

the friendships i've severed was because the so-called friends took advantage of me. my generosity, my advice, my shoulder-to-cry-on. i didn't it was fair of them to dump on me, and when it was my turn, i got nothing. however, when i let these friends go, i really let them know why.

i hope you get some kind of closure. it's hard to take when you've been kept in the dark.

.: eggwife said on April 15, 2004 11:49 AM :: link it :.

Damn the woman!! Hopefully some day the reason will surface and it had better be a damn good one -if I do say so myself. I am starting to realize that things good or bad happen for a reason. Maybe the simultaneous dumping made way for a new life that you are about to embark on. You never know..if she had still been around would you have ventured into the things you're doing now?

.: smoores said on April 15, 2004 11:59 AM :: link it :.

Kymberlie, I am so sorry you lost your friend. I don't really have any basis for this, but I can't help but think that this has something to do with Steven. Friends don't break up with friends without an explanation. Perhaps the explanation is too embarrassing for her. I don't know. This probably sounds reallys stupid.

.: Marie said on April 15, 2004 12:00 PM :: link it :.

Here's an anecdote that provide comfort/hope. I "lost" 2 friends in a short period of time (one a girlfriend, one an oafish confidante college friend), and it devastated me (oh, yes, and I was also very unemployed and close to bankruptcy, which really didn't help things). I felt entirely "in the right" and "above blame" and that was the awful thing. Now, two years later, I have reconciled with one of my friends; you'd be surprised how lazy and habit-forming people are about keeping in touch; it's just hard to stop being a friend, and anger is rather fleeting. I still await the other person's return (the ex-girlfriend). That still makes me sad, and I admit to still having internal conversations in my head with her, but I've come to accept that the woman in a moment of weakness took the easy way out (by avoiding me) instead of trying to work towards a lasting friendship. . What we were fighting about was not that important and could have been resolved. (and I'm not just talking about the romantic part of it; I'm talking about the friendship part of it). But she didn't want to. And that's the hardest part about friendships; you just can't change people; you have to wait for them to drift towards you. Yes, love and friendship is just a river for tubers, where the current sometimes brings 2 people together, sometimes brings them apart, and sometimes just cause people to rock back and forth in a circle indefinitely. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and hope that the current will bring back the inner tubes of those you most want to lock ankles over. Sometimes, though, it just doesn't happen no matter how hard you try. . And yet I remain hopeful that if you stay on the same river long enough, your paths will cross again, especially if both of you have an unspoken wish for your paths to cross again. Of course, there are other tubes to lock ankles over; surely you realize that many friends await you in the future, but that is little consolation when you miss a specific person.

ON a slightly more entertaining note, I strongly recommend the TV show Classmates on Fox Channel 26 every weekday morning at 9:30 AM(set the VCR). Every day it shows 2 different reunions of friends and romantic partners after getting in a fight/breaking up. It really sheds a lot of light about how stupid are, how stubborn they are, and how embarrassing it is to bury the hatchet after angry words have already been said. And how awful it makes people feel when they don't try to reconcile. Really this show more than anything has provided so much therapy for me over the last few months.

.: Robert Nagle said on April 15, 2004 06:03 PM :: link it :.

I know that feeling - i've lost friends for no reason too. I feel bad for you - it's never easy to deal with - especially since you don't have a why.

.: eve said on April 15, 2004 11:47 PM :: link it :.

I know how you feel. My best friend of ten years quit talking to me. She was the only true friend that I could count on for anything. It kills me that we aren't friends anymore. I'm trying to let it go, but it is hard to. I guess it will just take time.

.: Ash said on April 16, 2004 11:08 AM :: link it :.

You ARE all of those things. I hope you believe that!

.: kdeweb said on April 16, 2004 02:25 PM :: link it :.

call her with the *67 callblock to try and reach her (okay that's my little stalker tip... but sometimes it might work)

.: erin said on April 17, 2004 01:19 PM :: link it :.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You ARE a wonderful person. I hope you two are eventually able to at least work things out a little bit.

.: Hey Lisa said on April 17, 2004 08:54 PM :: link it :.

I started typing this comment about 5 times, and I still can't think of anything to say to comfort you. I have done what your friend has done to you...completely walked away from someone who I thought was a friend. But in my case, it has been because of a breach in my trust in that person. It sounds as if you have not done that. Maybe it is something she has done, but doesn't want to tell you. Something that might hurt your feelings, maybe ...? Just a thought. I wish I could offer anything here that would help make you feel better.

.: Christy said on April 18, 2004 09:40 AM :: link it :.

I know the feeling all too well. A friend had kept some information from me and I had acted wrongly due to being unaware of the knowledge that he supposedly told me. I then apologize numerous times and am ignored for months, cursed at, and insulted. To make me feel worse he refused to admit any of his wrongdoings. Then attempts at reconciling were met with harsh responses and being ignored. I've decided that he no longer values or wants my friendship so I have chosen to continue on. It hurts to lose the friendship but to try and repair the friendship when one party is not even willing to discuss anything is futile.

.: Suresh said on April 28, 2005 07:41 AM :: link it :.

My question is though, what happens when you accidentally bump into eachother? Is it better to ignore her and give her the impression that you have moved on (to show that you are not in her control), or to try and be nice?
Either way it is going to seem fake...so honestly what can you do??

.: Zach said on July 28, 2006 06:42 AM :: link it :.

When i was younger boy, eight years old, i had a fantastic friend called Alistaire. My parents put me in another school after two years of knowing him. A year later i came back to the same school and it was as if we were both strangers to eachother. I was so shy to see him and i never got over it. I still have dreams about it to this day. Don't get me wrong, i am not a nervous alcho├Âlic wreck or anything, its just that deep down, that complex of losing somebody is still there. Life continued, other friendships came, but i never wanted to get close to anybody in case i lost them again. I am 25 years old now, and one month ago, it DID happened again, only this time with my girlfriend. I considered her my best friend as well as everything else! For no reason at all she made cut on a year and a half relationship that we both considered perfect. It was the most heartbreaking change i ever saw in somebody and still don't know why.

All i want to say to you, is don't give up, and if possible, don't drink alchohol. Do fitness and take it as an opportunity to fight back by looking after yourself in a really positive way. There will come a day when you will look in the mirror, smile, and quite confidently say: 'its her loss'.

.: said on July 28, 2006 06:54 AM :: link it :.

I was fine until I started reading all the stories that have been posted, but have realised that Im still not over the loss of my best friend a year ago. We met when I was 5 and she was 4, and lived next door for years. We went to school together, family holidays, sleepovers, everything. I dont have any memories of my life without her in it. Then just over a year ago we both started seeing people, neither of whom liked the other person's friend! Slowly we lost contact and its been ages since we've seen each other. I have been put in a position where I have to choose between my partner and my best friend.. I miss her so much. Everything I do reminds me of her, everywhere I go we have either been to together or dreamed of visiting together when we're older. I guess I always took it for granted that we would be friends forever, that we would be bridesmaids at each others weddings, be godmothers to each others kids, and then later, grow old gracefully together. This september we will have known each other for 18 years, and we had always planned a big celebration. I guess thats not going to happen, and I will just have to be grateful for the time that we were given together.

.: Louise said on August 2, 2006 05:46 AM :: link it :.

i KNOW i'M VERY LATE IN DISCOVERING THIS MESSAGE AND YOU. But, PLEASE know that I understand, 1st hand...I don't think I'll ever get over it, unless/until I can understand it.

.: Ted said on September 5, 2006 11:48 AM :: link it :.

Well it all started a month ago when i was at my friends place.. one night her dad started touching me and stuff and i told him to stop but he kept going anyways.. i reported him to the police and now my friend wont talk to me cos her dad told her not to.. but ive left her alone for a nearly a week and a half and now im afraid im gonna lose her cos of wot her father did...shes the only friend i really got thats girl...:(:(:(

.: Carlie said on September 13, 2006 11:27 PM :: link it :.

I have just lost my best friend and I can't believe it. I don't even know why. She just won't talk to me anymore. It hurts so bad I feel like I can't breath.

.: pinkcloud said on September 20, 2006 05:53 PM :: link it :.

You're too early! Come back at April 14, 2004 07:06 PM to see this post.

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